my phone needs a breathalizer
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
