She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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