I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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