broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
