Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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