I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
