My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
