marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize