i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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