Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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