Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
