I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
