I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I need a beard to bite.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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