All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
