The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
