i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Too much gin, very little bucket
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
