That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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