aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
