I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
