dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you inspire me to be a worse person
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
