my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The feeling are messing with the penis
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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