I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
not ubering you a puppy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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