Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
