i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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