Your favorite bartender is back from prision
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
how does that bad decision feel?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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