I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
