I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
