Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
