you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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