Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
