woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
