Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
