The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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