went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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