My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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