I faked an abortion last night.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
