Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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