I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
