If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize