i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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