Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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