i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
