I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
