Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
