He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I AM VODKA MAN
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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