what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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