Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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