I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
