You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
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Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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