I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
