Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
