I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
