I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
