living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize